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tv   KPIX 5 News at 11pm  CBS  March 18, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT

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for $159 a month -- but, i wish it was more dangerous like a monster truck or dune buggy! you can't have the same car as me! [ male announcer ] now everyone's going to want one. let's get a jetta. [ male announcer ] volkswagen springtoberfest is here and there's no better time to get a jetta. that's the power of german engineering. right now lease one of four volkswagen models for under $200 a month. visit today. hey! you get the tickets? who needs two? oh, mamacita! let me see them. special sneak preview of death blow. death blow-- "when someone tries to blow you up "not because of who you are but because of different reasons altogether." [intercom buzzes] yeah. come on up. jerry, you think you can get an extra ticket for my friend brody? kramer, you know what i had to go through to get these? i know, but he's a big fan of the genre. you know, i'd consider it a personal favor to me. yeah, i guess i do owe you.
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yeah. ok. uh, listen you want me to stay here till george gets up? no, i'm ok. there's no problem. really. i'm fine. go on. he's right in there, boy. yeah. yeah. ok. hey, how was the party? the food was good. yeah? so i didn't miss anything? well, actually you did miss one little nugget of entertainment. have you ever seen elaine dance? elaine danced? it was more like a full-body dry heave set to music. did she do the little kicks and the thumbs? what, you mean you know about this? for some time. it was about 5 years ago. whoo! jerry: i never knew what to say to her about it. it was one of those problems i hoped would just go away.
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well, sometimes you can't help these people till they hit rock bottom. and by then, you've lost interest. hey, you gotta take a ride with me later. i borrowed my father's car. '68 g.t.o.! what made him get that thing? well, during that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy. not a very long trip. brody's in. i don't even have the extra ticket yet. well, you'd better get on the horn. elaine: i'm telling you, jerry. i'm getting a vibe. if i didn't know better, i'd say that the staff completely lost respect for me. jerry: oh, how could that be? well, jerry, i mean-- it's like the feeling is palpable. you think it could have something to do with the party? no. george was there. he had a great time. ah, it's george. i bet you this is somehow george-related. oh, what are you talking about? he's like a virus. he attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff is infected. now you're talking crazy. if that's not what it is you tell
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me, what is it? uh... [clicks] there's my call waiting. i've got to get going. do you have a minute? oh, yeah, sure, sure. so, did you have a good time at the party last night? it was a real kick. hey, did you happen to speak to my friend george? as a matter of fact, i did. aha. well, listen, you would be wise to keep your distance from him. why? he seems harmless. oh, he's not. he's very harmful. really? oh, trust me. he's a bad seed. he's a horrible seed. he's one of the worst seeds i've ever seen. and you two are friends? yeah we're good friends. so, this anna called me from out of the blue. really? i thought you were rebuffed. with extreme prejudice. maybe elaine put in a good word for you. no, no, no. that's just the thing.
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anna told me that elaine said that i was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen. interesting. she doesn't care for you, then a stern warning suddenly a phone call. i'm the bad boy. i've never been the bad boy. you've been the bad employee the bad son, the bad friend. yes. yes, yes. the bad fiancé the bad dinner guest the bad credit risk-- ok, the point is made. the bad date the bad sport, the bad citizen. the bad tipper. jerry: boy, half of show business is here. oh, there's brody. brody! over here. hey, kramer. and, uh you must be jerry. thanks for the ticket. that's quite a feed bag you're working on there. it's for all of us. is there a problem? brody. brody, come on. he's just kidding. he's a jokemaker. tell him, jer. i'm a jokemaker.
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all right, here we go. death blow. hey. hmm? what the hell is he doing? relax. he does that all the time. does what? he's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street. may i see you outside for a moment, please? i want to watch-- outside! come on. hey, have you seen anna? she just left to meet your friend george. to meet george? i knew it. where did they go? the park. why? don't you see? george is in the bloodstream. you stay away from him, too. what do you mean bootlegging the movie? it's a perfectly legitimate business. it's not legitimate. it's a business. where did you meet this guy? he's a friend of a friend. you know corky ramirez up on 94th street? one day, he and i are playing pachinko--
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kramer. [explosions and weapons fire] man, we're missing the death blow! i don't believe this. you know, i'm not supposed to be talking to you. no one's putting a gun to your head. do i, uh, scare you? no. a little. nice car. yeah. she's a sweet ride. is that your orthopedic back pillow? maybe. well is it or isn't it? i guess not. [brakes squeal] stay away from her. hey, i didn't do nothing. get in the car. but-- you heard me, young lady. get in the car. and you, you should know better.
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i don't want you infecting my staff. hey, lighten up. go get 'em death blow! uhh. you ok? i got a cramp. well, it's no wonder. you ate that entire bag of candy. uhh. there it goes again. kramer, you've got to drive me home. hey, what is going on over here? jerry, finish shooting the movie for me. are you nuts? there is no way i'm holding that thing. jerry, the man is in pain. maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag, we would've eaten some. serves him right. what are you some kind of tough guy? ok, let's everybody just relax.
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jerry, take the camera. all right, i'm taking the camera. come on, let's go. thanks, buddy. oh, man. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ dad... ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ why don't we have that relationship?
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hey. so how was the rest of death blow? how was the rest of death blow? yeah, who got the final deathblow? because i thought that hawaiian guy had it coming. kramer you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg a movie at gunpoint. he's quite a character isn't he? you know he came by here last night 3:00 in the morning, to pick up the tape. i was scared out of my mind. [intercom buzzes] i'll get it. yeah? brody: it's brody. come on up. it's brody. are you crazy? i don't want to see this guy again. jerry, you did him a favor. he probably wants to come up and thank you. what if i didn't do it right? well, it's your first time. he'll understand. people with guns don't understand. that's why they get guns. too many misunderstandings.
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hey, brody. hi. jerry, i have to talk to you about the tape. yeah? i've never seen such beautiful work. what? you're a genius. the zoom ins, the framing-- i was enchanted. well i did the best i could. i got another project for you. here. it's a movie called cry, cry again. i was going to give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and, quite frankly they don't have the sensibility. [beeper] may i use your phone? yeah, yeah. it's under the couch. look at you. you got another gig, huh? i don't want another gig. i'm not doing this. but you have a gift. jerry, this is not your little comedy act. we're talking feature films here. we're talking federal crime here. i'll expect that tape by 3:00 tomorrow.
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uh, may i borrow this, please? yeah, yeah, sure. you need a glove? naw. i pressed through the rushes and there the native dancers whirled before me, limbs flailing arms akimbo, feet kicking up dust. what? what is so funny? sorry. i got hung up. ah. at yankee stadium? this? it's mine. oh, really? because it looks a little big for you. it looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man might wear. he's not stocky. who did that? who did that? the french guy fell off his bike.
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oh, man, that's precious! jerry: no, no, no, no no, no, no. what were thinking when you shot this? what? that's fine. do you even know what this scene is about? yeah, it's about a guy buying a loaf of bread. no. bread is his soul. he's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul. wh--when? there's no way you're giving this tape to brody and telling him i shot it. he's not going to know the difference. i don't care about brody. i was up on 96th street today. there was a little kid couldn't have been more than 10 years old. he was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs that looked as good as death blow. that's who i care about: the little kid who needs bootlegs because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and i take for granted. so you'll do the movie?
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kramer on tv: oh, man, i sat in gum. i have to. but i'm going to need to storyboard this whole thing. where are my magic markers? right here. well, i have lost complete control of my staff. why did i let george go to that party? i mean, we were having so much fun. i mean, we were wining. we were dining. we were dancing. w-wait. what is that? what? this thing. it's dancing. no, no. that ain't dancing, sally. i dance fine. you stink. he doesn't know what he's talking about. jer? jerry. i'm a good dancer, right?
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i forgot to make my bed. jerry, do i stink? all right! you're beyond stink! but i really enjoy dancing. and that's not helping either. it's that bad? have you ever seen yourself? uh, uh. please, please. not in my home. i've got to throw this stuff in the laundry. i'll be right back. secretary: i have george costanza still holding. george, hi. um, i have anna here. there's something i want to say to both of you. yo, anna. hi, george. what're you up to? heh heh. you don't want to know. uh, well, listen i feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart,
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and i just wanted to apologize. what--what are you talking about? well, george i just want you to hear me say to anna that you are a good and decent person. george: pick up the phone, elaine. pick it up. i never should have given anna the impression... pick it up! pick it up! that you're a bad seed. i mean, you're a fine seed. elaine! get off the speaker! what? you are ruining everything! what? i'm trying to help. why are you being so difficult? yeah, yeah. that's it. more of that. difficult. i'm a difficult seed. george, i don't have time for this. anna, do you want to talk to george? um, no i don't think so. no. she doesn't want to. ok. bye, george. we'll see you. i'm a bad man! so where's the tape? oh, no, i didn't shoot this one. i'm just scouting the location. i need the tape. you'll get your tape but here's what i'm going to need. i'm going to need three cameras: two on the floor one in the balcony. and i want headsets for the guys running them. i want to be able to talk to them.
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are you out of your mind? kramer... i know, jerry. it's ok. yeah, uh, look, brody, jerry wants to do the bootleg. he's dying to do it. but if you don't make him happy the work suffers. and then nobody's happy. just shoot the damn thing so i can get it out on the street! all right, that's it. i can't work like this. jerry-- i'm off the project. jerry! i want the tape. yeah, i--i know. well i'm the good boy again. can you believe that? they think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs. anna actually has respect for me now. it's all over. aw, the whole business has changed. it's all about money now. the sad thing is, it's the kids that suffer. jerry, listen, you've got to shoot this movie for me. brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane. kramer, i'm not doing this anymore.
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i don't know what i was thinking. it's illegal. it's dangerous. did you say dangerous? i'm a bootlegger. you're a what? bootlegging a movie, baby. well isn't that illegal? i could do hard time for this one. and community service. is this your fibercon? get out of my way! jerry, george got arrested. what? yeah, he went down at the beekman. he tried to lam, but they cheesed him. oh, now i see. [intercom buzzes] yeah? it's brody. i'm coming up. what are we going to do? well, i've got to give him something. come on, where's that tape i shot? i think that's it. let's check it out.
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sweet fancy moses. jerry, she taped over the whole ending. where's the tape? uh, well, it's-- is that it? uh, yeah, yeah. here it is, brody. one copy of cry, cry again. how'd it turn out? uh, great. uh, great. although the whole story kind of comes apart at the end. yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured. yeah. it's a disturbing image. yeah, so you cry and then, when you see the dancing, you cry again. it's all right, george. you'll just pay a fine and that'll be it. but why did the policeman have to yell at me like that? anna. elaine, thanks for coming to pick me up. i can explain everything. we'll talk about it tomorrow at the office. ok, where's my boy? oh, my god. i'm sitting at home reading a periodical
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and this is the call i get? my son is a bootlegger? ow. dad, look-- who put you up to this? was it her? wait a minute. i think you've got it backwards. my george isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this. you got that right. what the hell does that mean? that means whatever the hell you want it to mean. you saying you want a piece of me? i could drop you like a bag of dirt. you want a piece of me? you got it! captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television captioned by the national captioning institute [ giada ] why did i switch to natural instincts? it's healthier, ammonia-free. and with aloe, vitamin e and coconut oil, my hair looks healthier than before i colored. i switched. you should too, to natural instincts. what's droid-endurance ? the longest 4g lte battery in a razr thin profile.
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[ male announcer ] you think you know me. i'm just red carpets big spectacles and the a-list. that's only the beginning. i have more than one red carpet. i like all sorts of spectacles. from the grandiose to the impromptu... to the completely unexpected. and you'll only have to think about a list... when you cross this, off your own. los angeles. endlessly entertaining. plan your getaway at [ female announcer ] before allegra, allergies held scott back. children's allegra -- effective, long-lasting non-drowsy relief of their toughest symptoms. after allegra, kids can stop suffering and start living. but he's an old man. well he wrote the check and i cashed it. look, here's that bootleg of death blow that i shot.
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oh cry, cry again. i want to see that. no, you don't. you shot death blow? it was brilliant. thank you. you were big. i'm still big. it's the bootlegs that got small. how are things at the office? back to normal? yeah, pretty much, although i still get the vibe every once in a while. i wouldn't worry about it.
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robin? hmm? do you want to move in? um, well, it-it... it's kind of soon, but sure, i-i would consider moving in here. just let me think about it. no. i meant, do you want to move in on the couch so i can sit down? (laughs) yeah. that's what i meant, too. like i said, just let me think about it. okay. yeah.
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yeah. i'm okay with that. okay. okay. but, um, now that you mentioned it, do you want to move in? so what did you say? i'm considering it. you're considering it?! yeah. you barely know him. plus, the guy's a loser with a dead-end job. we have the same job, barney. and we couldn't be prouder of you, angel. (groans) well, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast. yeah. yeah, maybe you're right. well, i think you should move in with him. you do? yeah. yeah, i mean, i... i see how happy you are, and as much as i love you as a roommate, i want you to do what's right for you. oh. are-are you trying to kick me out because of the milk thing? it's really annoying. robin! no. i have a system. i put the empty carton back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk. okay, why don't you leave a full carton to remind us we don't have to buy
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milk? all right, all right, as your ex, before you jump into anything, i need to meet this guy. hmm. i think it's kind of weird that i haven't met him yet. totally weird. it's almost like someone carefully orchestrated it that way on purpose. fine. but you have to promise to be on your best behavior. i promise. so i'm banging this portuguese contortionist and i swear, she is so flexible, at one point she was on top of me and underneath me. up top and down low! one and two! bang! oh. oh. gee. wow. who needs? who needs? i'm good. i'm good. who needs? and that would be barney. he means well. well, actually i'm not sure that's true. i think he's awesome but i feel bad for any woman with the kind of low self-esteem who would actually date a guy like that. narrator: and that's when i realized robin never told don she had dated barney. (laughing) i like you, don. we both love a good scotch we both enjoy my compelling stories... yep. ...and we both dated robin. narrator: now he knew.
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to get a jetta that's the power of german engineering. right now lease one of four volkswagen models for under $200 a month. visit today. so, barney's your ex and you still hang out with him? i've got to say, i'm a little uncomfortable with that. oh, look, don't be. it's like we never dated. long story short, this exchange student's arms gave out, and we both fell ass over sex swing. seriously, i have not been able to find a girl who can do that position since robin. hey! lily, marshall, how was your weekend away, or any other topic? awful. terrible. twin beds? we can't sleep in separate beds. we should go complain. yeah, you're right. i'm gonna... i'm gonna march down there and demand another room. yeah, i'll go with you in... just a sec. (knocking) woman: housekeeping! could you come back later? we're taking a little catnap. woman: it's time to check out.
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we slept for 18 hours. we missed four pre-paid meals. i lost 11 pounds. don: hey, ted, do you think it's weird that robin is still friends with barney? i think it's weird that we're all still friends with barney. i just don't know how i feel about her hanging out with one of her exes all the time. narrator: and that's when i realized robin had failed to tell don about another one of her exes: me. no, hanging out with one ex is fine. even two, i'd give a pass. hell, two might be even better than one. for some reason. yeah, but if you were dating someone, and he hung out with one of his exes all the time... oh, wait. i'm sorry. he? yeah, and he was friends with one of his exes... wait, wait, wait. hold on. do... do you think i'm gay? well... yeah. why would you assume that? hey. hey. ted your calligraphy teacher called. and? and? your ink is in. yes! hey, guys. hey. just want to make sure project runway is recording.
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mm. did the jets get new costumes? well, i guess we won't be having crème brûlée tonight. my browning torch is broken. you know, when i heard your roommate was a single guy, i was a little jealous but now that i know he's gay, i'm okay. oh, uh, ted's not... (cheerily): but we've still got homemade ladyfingers and piping hot darjeeling. awesome. thank you. ted's not what? ted's not gonna be around a lot. he's following cher on tour. oh. okay, don't get me wrong. cher puts on a hell of a show, but i am not gay. hey, lily, be honest. is it weird that robin hangs out with one of her exes all the time? oh, ted and robin broke up years ago. it's a non-issue. ted and robin?! not seeming so gay now am i, donny? an appletini for the gentleman. thank you. you dated ted, too?! robin, of the four people you consider your best friends in new york, you've slept with 50% of them! don, they're just my friends.
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yeah, but they're also your exes. and you live with one of 'em. look, i'm sorry. i gotta... i gotta think about all this. (both sighing) marshall: my god she's a thousand degrees! it's like putting my leg against a tailpipe. (clears throat) lily: ow! his toenails are like daggers.
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